It has been 10 years since your passing, mama.



This one is for you.




I was one when I first met her.
When the darkness that clouded my orbs became a little brighter,
She was the person who welcomed me into the world
And held me in her arms like I was the most precious thing she has ever behold.


I was three when I thought the world was a little strange.
How could this bizarre little caterpillar lying in a ply morph into as something as beautiful as butterfly?
"My child because the world is dynamic" is her reply
and I with my three year old mind just shrugged and moved on with a sigh.


I was four when I discovered the meaning of the word scared.
When I stared noticing the lurking monsters under my bed,
When I start dreaming of the endless black,
She was my knight who protected me,  the siren that lulled me, and my navigator when I dreamed of the infinite blue the sea.


I was five when I learned how to read.
Clawing my way into the the abyss of the foreign language
She held all my baggage.
Mastering each letter, word, the spelling and every single pronunciation until my tongue is bent and my eyes are tired.
See learning english for me was hard. It was trying to keep some sand in the palm of your hand. No matter how hard you try to keep it in it, slowly, little by little, eventually, inch by inch, the sand will slip between your fingers leaving you hoping it lingers
but I knew I wasn't failing cause she was there, she held my hand and helped me kept the sand from falling.


I was six when I knew she had no soft hands
instead she bore the fingers of a calloused warrior.
She didn't wear dresses for she wore the armor of a fighter.
She had the determination of a coach and the heart of a cheerleader
and I was her beloved protege and the game's best player.


I was seven when I realized that she was just any other mess of flesh and bones.
She was neither a protector, nor a knight and not navigator because she was just my mother.
My mother who was slowly becoming a stranger hostaged by a disease that's holding her at gunpoint and I, I was the helpless bystander who saw how the poison slowly suck the color out of her once upon a time rosy cheeks. I saw how the light vanished from her eyes with a snap of a finger.
I was a witness of a theft and a viewer of a horror movie.
And I saw the horrendous, disgusting monster steal her away from me, my family and our reality.


Going back to what she said when I was three "the world is dynamic". now I am seventeen and my mother would have been 43 how ironic is it that her heart that used to pump, pump, pump her life became the reason she withered from my sight.


I am seventeen years old and I am my mother's daughter.
I am seventeen years old and I will accomplish more after.
I am seventeen years old and I want to tell my mother,
Mama, I'm standing here finally reciting my poem in english.
I was able to keep little sand safe in my pocket.
I hope you're listening there in heaven
and I hope you are proud of what I have become.
For now, I am standing here saying I love you,
I am standing here saying I miss you,
I am standing here saying thank you -
Until we meet again.