Instagram has been a go to application for me but quite frankly I lost myself in making my “feed” so-called aesthetically pleasing to the point that I was taking pictures of random pieces of soil and rocks and dirt and nothing-trisha related, that bugged me because I realized that I created that account so that someday if Instagram still exist, I will be able to look back on my memories like when I got my Ravenclaw scarf or when I watched the epic finale of The Hunger Games franchise. So what I did is that I deleted a lot of random photos that I don’t care about and started posting pictures of me and my friends, photos that matter to me.

          I keep a journal, that is where I write crazy amount of things, since the first months of 2014 I am already writing down memories and happenings but I was very inconsistent, but I watched an interview of Emma Watson and how she owns lots of journals where she writes what she wants and  preserve memories, that inspired me to do just the same because it’s a way to relieve stress (writing) and someday I will read these journals and laugh at how bad I was at grammar.

          This used to be a big problem, when I started high school, I forgot who I was as a daughter and as a person, I created this creature who thinks high of herself and that, that is not me. I thought that I was better and more intelligent than most people in the house and in my community, I became a total jerk to people who I think are “less educated”, I told you I was literally a jerk, and I admit that I was bitch and I’m probably still one, but now I learned that I am not the sun, the center of the universe, I am dust in the galaxy, I make up the galaxy and I’m now as sure as hell I still act like a bitch sometimes, okay, most of the time. I don’t have any bloody right to make people think less of themselves just because I think I’m better than them cause I’m not.

          I don’t get what I want, most of the time, and lately I’ve been having an epiphany, I mean, I’ve always known, I didn’t come from a super wealthy family and I have to work hard , control myself, and really budget my money to buy my “luho”. I remember skipping meals so that I can buy the book I’ve been wanting for so long. The given situation even though it’s not the best solution ( DO NOT SKIP MEALS PLEASE.) works, don’t get me wrong, I do not condone skipping meals and starving oneself just to buy things but when I was at that age, I felt accomplished, it felt nice, that I can have something that I want, with my own planning. I know I can’t buy the whole hardcover harry potter books, but when I bought one book with my own savings I tell you, it felt so damn good.

          I am a feminist. I support gender equality; I always wondered why people feel like it’s a wrong thing to say.  This year I discovered a part of myself, the part that screams for a change, we live in a world where the idea that men is better than women, men are stronger than women, and women can’t do this, is a regular thing, like  saying the earth revolves around a sun, and for me, it’s just wrong . Instead of saying these things why not say a man is just as good as every woman, men and women are strong, and women are not entitled to be weaker because she doesn’t have testosterone. I want be part of something that promotes the empowerment of every species in this planet, whatever gender you belong in you are just as important and loved.

          I overthink every two seconds, it’s an addiction, one might say it’s my fatal flaw. FUTURE is a scary term for me, to the point that every time I think about it I always feel like vomiting. Change is constant, when you expect things to turn left, it turns right, and you’re back to square one, clueless like a child on her first day of class. When I’m about to sleep at night I picture myself as a successful person, but still not knowing what kind of a successful person, a doctor? Perhaps a lawyer?  A college professor?, and how am I supposed to get there? What if my test tomorrow goes horribly wrong and I won’t get to college and I’ll end up a crew on a local Mcdonalds? See, overthinking. So what I do is I try enjoy what I have now, do my best, hope for the better and constantly kick some butts.

          I posted a blog post about self worth and the internet a couple of weeks ago. It tackles the growing obsession of people and their sky rocketing want to prove their self worth by the likes they get on their new facebook default picture. I honestly been in this position, now I feel stupid just thinking about the idea, you define your self worth, you will be the one who will tell people that you matter, not Jane Doe who liked every profile picture of yours, not John Doe who commented “you look stunning” in every selfie you instagrammed, you will realize that you’re loved by the people that surround you because they do. You will feel like you’re worth it because you are. This year I started trying to love myself more, and we’re getting there

          Happiness comes in different forms.

2015 made me realize that happiness is not when I was in the rank 10 but it’s the feeling of the tap on your shoulder saying “You did great!”. Material happiness will give a rush for maybe 2 minutes? But the feeling of finishing something you thought you never will stay for a long time.

         Twenty fifteen, Two Thousand and Fifteen, what a shitty challenging year. I planned a lot of things and set a lot of goals for this past year, even though 55% of those goals weren’t surpassed, where still here, breathing and still thriving. “Everything’s going to be better”, crap, but it’s true. Back in 2013 when we were struggling through our practice under the frying heat of the sun, everyone in my class was ready to give up but my friend said that we just need to “suck it up”, guess what, we did, and we got second place on that performance. Making faces, stressing out, whining won’t do you any good, it won’t make your grade in math an A, it will just make your eyes red. So for 2016, let’s hope I won’t suck up any bad vibes any more.

          This, I gather throughout my observation on my classmates and people around me. Boys, our world doesn’t and will never move around them, I always say this to my friends, especially those who have troubles “moving on” with their heartbreaks. Being happy is not being with somebody else, being happy starts with you, within yourself. How can you possibly make someone happy when you’re not? Happiness is a choice; you either see things in a good way or see things like they will ruin you. You will either be contented and be happy on who you are or seek happiness on somebody else. I chose me, I chose to be happy and still be myself, I learned happiness through my experiences and my struggles I overcame this year.